This week I’ll be going to Florida to visit my family, and I have but one mission: to court my very own Disney Princess…
The question then becomes which Disney Princess will have the privilege of being “wooed” by such a dashing prince as myself? Let’s process this together shall we…
Honorable Mention:
Ariel: Attractive upper body, but the fish tail is kind of a turn off…
Mulan: I love her willingness to fight for what she believes in, but I’m just not into cross dressing…
Belle: A lovely French lady with a cute smile, but I ain’t crossin’ the Beast to get her…
Now the finalists…
Finalist #1: Snow White
Pros: Snow White has several good things going for her. She’s sweet, soft, and tender, and seems to really be in touch with nature judging by the way the forest creatures flock to her. She also has a loving heart that cares for everyone–even if they’re but a wee three feet tall!
Cons: Snow White seems to have the government (aka the Queen) after her. Additionally, she seems to lack any sort of common sense whatsoever as demonstrated when she eats a poisonous apple from a crazy ol’ hag in a window. It’s also not a plus that she likes to runaway to a house of seven ol’ men when things don’t go her way. Her tan is also nothing to ride home about…
Verdict: Although Snow White and I seemed to have hit it off well during my last trip to Disney World, the cons seem to outweigh the pros in this case. Sorry Snow White, looks like you’ll have to settle for one of your dwarf friends…
Finalist #2: Cinderella
Pros: Cinderella is beautiful, sweet, and has a sweet ride (the pumpkin carriage). She also has a Fairy Godmother who seems to have divine powers that she uses to Cinderella’s advantage, which could obviously come in handy for my basketball career. She also has a pretty sweet crib that graces the middle of the Magic Kingdom…
Cons: Cinderella seems to be somewhat of a drama queen. She cries all the time and seems to rely upon her Fairy Godmother to fix all her problems. Additionally, her family seems to be kind of crazy and her ball room dancing skills could use some work. She also talks to rats…
Verdict: Cinderella is the poster child for Disney. Her castle is a worldwide icon that represents making your dreams come true. Unfortunately for her, she’s going to have to keep dreaming if she’s going to get with me. She’s all yours Prince Charming…
Finalist #3: Yzma
Pros: Okay, I realize Yzma’s not really a princess, but she tried so hard to become the Empress in The Emperor’s New Groove that I had to give her her due. Yzma’s strengths are her attention to detail, her passionate work ethic, and her willingness to lead with an iron hand…
Cons: Yzma’s faults are many. For one, her appearance is what you could describe as “scary beyond all reason.” Additionally, her age becomes a concern considering I’d like my lady to actually be able to move her body. There’s also her whole attempt to murder the emperor I have to consider. Not to mention she’s not much of a morning person…
Verdict: Ya, Yzma is not going to happen. Hope she doesn’t try to murder me on Space Mountain or something…
Finalist #4: Jazmine
Pros: Adorable face, beautiful body, and a feisty personality that I like! Her pet tiger Rajah is awesome and her palace is legit! She also is friends with a genie, who I’m sure could help us with some pretty killer date ideas, not to mention hook us up with a pretty sweet honeymoon…
Cons: She’s got this Aladdin fool who seems to stop at nothing to try to win her affections. Ain’t no thang though, I’ll just have the genie turn me into a giant snake and I’m sure that’ll take care of that problem…
Verdict: Congratulations Jazmine! You will have the honor of being my girlfriend for the week. I will show you the world… (well at least the Northland of Kansas City).
Dreams do come true!
-BH
Brady Hammond 